So it’s nearly 10:30 at night and I don’t have a blog post. I have had a rough day on the coal face today, with family time (board game that I would have won had I cheated more) before the kids bed time and dinner with friends tonight.
Only a couple of days ago I thought it would be helpful to set a focus for each days blog. To predetermine the subject for each day as a way of focusing myself.
I thought this would be helpful. Today it hasn’t been. Today I have tried to think about how I communicate a method/trick or tip of how I work with a young person. I had some ideas but they would take too long for the limited time I had. So as I sat here with my fingers hovering over the keyboard like a water diviner waiting to pick up even a sniff of a direction, I gave up.
I started thinking about how I had failed within the first month. I’m tired and vulnerable after the day so my Automatic Negative Thoughts were right there kicking down the wall of self belief and self confidence.
- I had failed
- Shouldn’t have bothered in the first place
- I was never going to keep it up
The list is endless.
In all of this I had a negative pattern of thinking leading to a negative emotional response meaning that my behaviour was to simply go to bed, blog unwritten and probably be grumpy with myself.
This time though I wasn’t prepared to allow this to happen. For a second I stood back and looked at everything that was stopping me move forward and realised that it was a self imposed restriction of the subject. It was limiting my thoughts, taking me down a path I simply didn’t want to walk down.
I had to own up, to no one other than myself that I was putting the restrictions in place and no one else. I had achieved, in two days, a method of restricting my own thoughts and tying myself in anxiety ridden knots so that I couldn’t do a thing.
I had to break free from myself. We all do it. We all create beliefs about ourselves by which we create a set of rules that we think we would live to. Or even things that we think will help. However sometimes we do have to take a small step back so that we can look with fresh eyes, then swallow our pride, be brace and admit to ourselves we got it wrong and allow ourselves to do it differently.
I had fallen into a trap of believing that I was writing for other people. When the focus is simply for me to have a place to process my own thoughts.
So I’ve owned up, apologised to myself and here’s today’s blog.