Be brave and own up

So it’s nearly 10:30 at night and I don’t have a blog post. I have had a rough day on the coal face today, with family time (board game that I would have won had I cheated more) before the kids bed time and dinner with friends tonight.

Only a couple of days ago I thought it would be helpful to set a focus for each days blog. To predetermine the subject for each day as a way of focusing myself.

I thought this would be helpful. Today it hasn’t been. Today I have tried to think about how I communicate a method/trick or tip of how I work with a young person. I had some ideas but they would take too long for the limited time I had. So as I sat here with my fingers hovering over the keyboard like a water diviner waiting to pick up even a sniff of a direction, I gave up.

I started thinking about how I had failed within the first month. I’m tired and vulnerable after the day so my Automatic Negative Thoughts were right there kicking down the wall of self belief and self confidence.

  • I had failed
  • Shouldn’t have bothered in the first place
  • I was never going to keep it up

The list is endless.

In all of this I had a negative pattern of thinking leading to a negative emotional response meaning that my behaviour was to simply go to bed, blog unwritten and probably be grumpy with myself.

This time though I wasn’t prepared to allow this to happen. For a second I stood back and looked at everything that was stopping me move forward and realised that it was a self imposed restriction of the subject. It was limiting my thoughts, taking me down a path I simply didn’t want to walk down.

I had to own up, to no one other than myself that I was putting the restrictions in place and no one else. I had achieved, in two days, a method of restricting my own thoughts and tying myself in anxiety ridden knots so that I couldn’t do a thing.

I had to break free from myself. We all do it. We all create beliefs about ourselves by which we create a set of rules that we think we would live to. Or even things that we think will help. However sometimes we do have to take a small step back so that we can look with fresh eyes, then swallow our pride, be brace and admit to ourselves we got it wrong and allow ourselves to do it differently.

I had fallen into a trap of believing that I was writing for other people. When the focus is simply for me to have a place to process my own thoughts.

So I’ve owned up, apologised to myself and here’s today’s blog. 

2 Replies to “Be brave and own up”

  1. It is so true that we impose our own restrictions or expectations and then go into a negative spiral when it doesn’t work the way it ‘should’… I found this about reading my Bible – for ages I used booklets that asked you to read the passage and then ask a series of questions about the passage and its application to my life. I found it really hard going so I switched to using a commentary style in more recent years but a week or so ago I picked up an old booklet from my book shelf and thought I’d use that. I realise that I hate it! I hate being asked questions when I’m not sure I know the answer! I hate having to follow another person’s train of thought without being told what that train of thought is! This is why I could never get into studying the Bible, using these notes that seemed like the ‘best’ way to do it actually really restricted me. I’m going to stop giving myself a hard time and use the method that I enjoy best!

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    1. Thanks for the comment Jenni. For me the issue was that I had put in a structure that very quickly I have realised that I hate. So to stop it i had to admit to myself that I had made a bad decision, that I had made in public. To do this i had to step back from everything and look objectively and take a step forward.

      Like

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